Separated after 30+ years of marriage. have been married for 40 years so i know how hard this is at this stage of life. Just remember, there is life after divorce. Erin and I have now been separated for more than a year after deciding in One Year After Separation But I know I can enjoy a better social life if I. 'This beautiful woman tripped and fell into my life': After the grand romantic gesture the rapprochement began.
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Erin and I have now been separated for more than a year after deciding in Oct not to continue as husband and wife. In this post I want to share some thoughts on what that first post-separation year has been like after 15 years together as a couple, 11 of them married. While the initial separation involved some stress and uncertainty for both of us, the picture so far has turned out pretty well.
Erin and I remain good friends to this day, and we continue to connect on many levels. The first and most immediate aspect of the separation involved the practical matter of separating our households and living in two different homes. We had some significant advantages that made this part easier for us than it might be for most people. We already owned a second house that was vacant, and we had the finances to support two households and to furnish the second home.
So this part was mainly a matter of separating a bunch of physical items and then spending money to fill in the gaps. Erin bought a bunch of furniture, and I bought a second car for myself.
Some of those gaps are still there a year later, however. The crashing housing market in Vegas somewhat limits our options though. With the massive decline in real estate values, it would be difficult for either of us to justify moving at this time. Our situation is stable. In fact, my web traffic increased this year because my business model adapts well to a down economy — it means more people looking for free content, and this site has tons of that.
And that in turn hurts us both. I think it made sense for us to table this part of the separation until later though. When we first separated, the bigger issue was navigating the social and emotional transition.
After that, Erin and I needed the chance to explore some alternative career possibilities. In what capacity might we continue working together? And where would it make more sense to work separately as individuals?
For example, Erin has developed her own professional intuitive training program, which is going very well. Nor does she get involved in any joint-venture deals that I do. On the collaborative side, this past weekend we delivered our 5th Conscious Growth Workshop along with a staff of several helpers, and it went incredibly well. I feel it was the best one ever, and the feedback from attendees has been wonderfully positive.
It would make more sense for Erin to be involved in the content and delivery side of certain aspects… or to do her own workshops. Cutting our career and financial ties abruptly would have been unnecessarily painful and difficult for us both. I like that we continued working together by default while giving ourselves the space to explore and experiment and ponder possibilities as individuals.
It allowed us to transition at a reasonable pace without stressing ourselves out. I do feel a little constrained though since I know our finances are still pooled. That may take some getting used to after so many years with joint finances. A big part of our separation involved changing how we relate to each other.
Erin and I both moved on with other partners, both sexually and emotionally, within a few months after we separated. That helped to energetically clear a part of our connection, making it easier to transition our primary connection from marriage to friendship. I put some intentional energy into this by visualizing new connections I wanted to experience, and the Law of Attraction worked as expected.
What do you want to experience next? I still care about her and want her to be happy too. I honestly believe this transition is a positive step forward for both of us. Making that a reality, however, requires using our power constructively. For me the best part of connecting with someone else was the extra validation it provided. First, the chance to connect with someone who was more compatible in certain dimensions quickly validated that the decision to separate was the right one.
After 15 years with the same primary partner, I found it rewarding to attract a new partner, to enjoy fresh experiences together, and to share lots of love. I think that if I went through this whole adjustment process on my own, it would have been much more difficult. What I felt most was relieved.
It was as if a cord had been cut, but in a gentle and nonviolent way. If either of us got involved with someone who seemed a poor match, we could trust that the other would speak up. In this manner we continue to help each other stay aligned with truth. As Erin will admit, she has a tendency to downplay her power.
Others have noticed this too. Since Erin and I had many mutual friends at the time we separated, this part of the adjustment was a bit strange. Once our friends and family had a chance to digest the initial separation, they were very supportive overall. This made things easier on Erin and me emotionally. However, as time went on, I noticed that because Erin and I spent much less time together as a couple, our social circles began to divide somewhat.
Partly this is because I decided to drop Toastmasters in the Spring, while Erin stayed on as President of our club. So I naturally drifted apart from many of my Toastmaster friends when I stopped going to the meetings. Also, Erin and I both cultivated some new connections as individuals. I expect it will become more pronounced in the years ahead as we continue to forge new connections as individuals.
I rather like this part of the transition because I feel I have more control over my social life now. I no longer feel obligated to accept social obligations that arise from being part of a couple.
I can also connect as much as I want with people and situations that Erin may have avoided. For example, last night we had a poker game at my house with some CGWers who were still in town.
That same day Erin went hiking in Red Rock Canyon with a different group. We gave too much power away to a disempowering concept of marriage, expecting that we should do a lot of things together or skip them entirely if one of us objected. I still feel I have a lot of work to do in the social area though. I always have the ability to rest on my laurels and simply respond to the invites that come my way, and I know there will always be plenty of them.
But I know I can enjoy a better social life if I consciously decide what I want and take action to make it happen, instead of just reacting to the chaotic social soup around me.
This is an area where we need to work out a more conscious long-term solution. Our family values are quite different. I think things stabilized this way because of the difference in our family values and the priorities we set for ourselves after separating. Erin grew up with a close, loving Jewish family that included a twin sister. To this day she remains close to her family and connects with them often.
I can tell that having a close family is very important to her. She seems to have a strong nesting instinct. For me that kind of family situation would be stifling. I largely saw them as pointless, time-wasting fluff.
Erin offered up similar resistance to some of my more adventurous ideas — she rarely rejected them outright, but her lack of enthusiasm was obvious, so it often felt like pushing through Jell-O to make certain things happen, so in the end I dropped a lot of things I previously loved.
For example, while living in L. While you could say that this kind of impulsivity is fine for a single something but inappropriate for a man in his late 30s with a wife and two kids, keep in mind that the majority of the articles on this website were created with that same type of energy.
This aspect of my personality, while it may seem a bit unstable, has yielded many positive benefits too, not just for myself but for thousands of others. My early experiences of family led me to much different values than Erin. My Catholic upbringing led me to associate things like control, conformity, denial, darkness, and unhappiness to the concept of a close nuclear family.
I became much happier after I moved out. I grew to place a high value on independence and the freedom to make my own choices. I learned to create my own social support instead of trying in vain to feel supported by blood connections whose beliefs said I was doomed as a non-Christian. For her it would likely feel too stressful and ungrounded. In my opinion, this makes a traditional co-parenting arrangement unlikely to work for us if such a thing can be called traditional.
Erin and I each have different views of parenting in general, so our parenting styles will simply not be the same. In fact, it could be of great advantage to our kids. I personally feel that parenting advice is largely B. The biggest influencers are actually who the parents are, rather than what they do.
Factors like whether parents read to their kids frequently or whether the kids are spanked or not seem to make little measurable difference in how the kids turn out, at least to the extent that this has actually been measured. In other words, parenting has much more to do with who you are — with your own level of self-development — as opposed to what specific actions you take in terms of raising your kids.
The bulk of your parenting success is determined before the pregnancy even occurs. Initially when Erin and I look at this situation, it seems like we might have to compromise.
I suspect that our ultimate long-term solution will look very non-traditional, but I think it has the potential to be great for everyone, especially the kids. Erin has the capacity to provide a stable, nurturing environment for the kids.
I have the capacity to bring some kick-ass growth experiences into their lives. And of course the reverse is true as well. While the kids are still fairly young currently ages 10 and 7 , Erin may play a bigger role in their lives. However, as they become teenagers, I think it would be awesome to travel around the world with them and give them a real education as opposed to having them sit in a classroom and read about things they could be seeing and touching.